Monday, April 18, 2011

Sacrifice

"I have a good brain, but I’ve never really used it when it came to making decisions about love, which has been a blessing and a curse." -Sienna Miller

I love this Sienna Miller quote.  I don’t know if I love Sienna Miller.  I think I might be starting to.  Up until recently I have had a kind of love/hate relationship with her, but her fashion sense is winning me over.  I don’t know much about her, but I feel a kinship.  And I I am the f**cking poster girl for this quote. 

I have had pretty ridiculous breakup timing the past couple years.  Two pretty shitty breakups happening right before Valentine's Day which is followed two weeks later by my birthday.  Not that fun.  Especially considering that I am a planner, and I am too nice to boys I like, and I like crafts.  So, of course, both boys had wonderful handmade, heartfelt gifts that I obviously spent too much time on because they both dumped me before V-Day.  Eff that. 

I wrote this last year and I guess it's a little melodramatic as I am looking back, but it was very real to me then.  Some things I wrote still ring true to me, mostly the stuff about decisions and choices, and maybe for you as well.  Enjoy (: 
Every now and then, I get into this deep cleaning mode where I search the depths of my drawers and the chasms under my bed finding mostly hair ties and old receipts, but every now and then I pull out a dust covered notebook or journal and I cringe.  I already know that those pages are littered with crap about how in love I was with some boy and how it sucks so bad that he doesn’t even know my name and I REALLY hope that when I leave math class on Monday I will see him leaving Spanish class down the hall and maybe even smile when I walk by. 

If I knew what a shitty mess my dating life would eventually turn into, I definitely would have appreciated the simplicity of my teenage years and stopped worrying about such stupid shit.  I had a lot of dumb crushes on boys that didn’t even know I existed.  But when I did have a boyfriend it was a pretty trouble-free affair.  The biggest worry was what movie we were going to next weekend or trying to get him to learn the difference between lavender and periwinkle so he could match his tux to my prom dress. 

Unfortunately, as you get older relationships get more and more complicated.  No matter how great of a match two people might be, relationships require a tremendous amount of effort and sacrifice.  You give up alone time to make room for the other person, you let go of your pride by opening up and letting them see all of you (even the insecure, negative, PMS-y, no makeup version), you compromise with them, and you make a commitment to be faithful.  And sometimes you even sacrifice your dreams.  But all of these sacrifices seem so insignificant compared to what you are expecting in return: true, lasting love. 

After a particularly difficult breakup and the deep depression that followed, I was left with a lot of questions.  Most importantly I had to ask myself why the end of a barely five-month long relationship turned my life completely upside down. Why was I so devastated? We didn’t live together, we weren’t engaged, didn’t have any kids or pets together, no real future plans.  There was nothing that would explain why it was so overwhelming to me that this relationship had ended.  It took a long time for me to realize that I was extremely angry because I allowed myself to sacrifice more than I ever should have.  And I did so happily, getting nothing in return.

Before we met, I had dreams and plans for myself.  I was going to move to Maui, be an independent, free spirit on the beach, and break away from the place I have lived my entire life.  The plans were made and I felt optimistic about my goals and excited for my future.  But suddenly, things changed. I met a boy. 

Boys: the tragic ending to many a girl’s fantastic dreams. 

He wrapped me up so completely that I felt like I was already in paradise.  The blue ocean water had nothing on this boy’s eyes.  I can specifically recall the time when he told me he would not know what to do with himself if I moved away.  We went on a walk after dinner and were sitting on a street corner watching cars pass by.  He was nervous and sweet and he told me that he was worried that I would leave him behind.  He was afraid to let himself like me so much knowing that I could leave him here and reluctantly shared with me that his mom had told him that everyone has those dreams when they are young and that if I liked him I would stay.  And I did like him, so I did stay.  The first of many sacrifices I would end up making for this boy.  At the time it felt so easy to give up on that dream.  I dismissed my plans and instead I held onto him. 

This boy was standing in front of me inviting me into his life and it seemed like everything was falling into place so easily.  He introduced me to his family, talked about me to his friends and talked about being with me long term (side note:  Men, if you are a commitmentphobe please don’t tell girls that you think they would make great wife, or ask them what they would do if you one day asked them to go to Vegas with you and get married, it kinds f**ks us up).  I trusted him, I trusted our connection, and I was happy to sacrifice my dream of moving because I believed it would help me realize a greater dream with him.  I was afraid that if I chose “me” I would lose the chance at “us” forever.

Sacrifices are easy to make when you feel like you will gain something greater.  But what happens when we sacrifice for nothing?

If I had stuck with my plan and moved to Maui, I would have given up the chance to fall in love with someone who truly made me believe that we were headed somewhere great.  If I stayed, I sacrificed the opportunity to do something on my own that would have changed my life forever.  I chose love and I changed my dreams for a boy. 

People always say that every relationship teaches you a lesson, and that nothing ever happens without reason, and for the most part I tend to agree. But honestly I learned nothing from this relationship, except maybe not to trust and not to love so easily. I was ready for something different, something real, and I was sure I was getting it.  Now I am left with even more confusion and loneliness than I had before we met.  I lost the independent motivated girl and was back to square one.   I am piecing things back together, making new goals, and dreaming new dreams, and I am doing fine on my own. 

I don’t feel ready for another relationship, but love cannot be planned, it has to just happen.  But, when the opportunity presents itself will I embrace it?  I embraced it before, I sacrificed for it and I got hurt.  I’m worried that I don’t trust my judgment anymore.  I liked love when it was obvious, when it asked me to check yes or no.  Now it feels like an impossible negotiation between two people. 

Sacrifice love for dreams?  Or Sacrifice dreams for love?  I know what all you annoyingly optimistic people will say, "But Jen, you can have both!" Please.   Life is about choices.  No matter what we choose we are giving something up.  I've never been good at choices and I definitely have never been good with love.  So, maybe I am screwed, but I guess there’s always Maui!

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