I wouldn’t wish long distance on anyone. Because it’s bullshit. It’s like having an imaginary friend, a virtual boyfriend that only exists on your computer screen and some text messages. I have absolutely lost my patience with this long distance thing and I am pretty sure M has lost his patience with me.
I admit I have been a really big C-word. That C word is Crazy. I have been an absolute Crazy. I have so much going on in my head all the time with this move. There is so much to think about, so much to prepare, so much I worry about, and then this week it hit me all the things that I would be missing. M is frustrated that things seem to be so up and down. They totally have been up and down because my whole life is up and down right now. Everything is up in the air and I can get good news about one thing and the next thing you know I am freaking out because another thing is going wrong. I am aware that I need to work on controlling those ups and downs better. And I am trying. But no matter how hard I try I am sure M thinks that he is dating Jekyll & Hyde right now.
Long distance makes you think about things like the “future” and moving in a lot sooner than you would if you are dating someone down the block. It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut about all the things running through my exhausted mind. Irrational things like what am I going to do when my parents get too old to take care of themselves? Send them postcards from NY? I have always promised my mom that I would take care of them when they can’t anymore. Because I know I would be the best at it and I want to do it. I think that is super important. And when I am laying up at 1am thinking about these things I turn to my boyfriend’s email. E-mail because the time difference is the fucking devil and when I want to talk he wants to sleep. So M gets an irrational e-mail, and make no mistake, I know that it’s irrational, that’s my headspace right now. And he freaked a little. I don’t blame him, but I know that a simple “It’s going to be okay Jen, you don’t need to worry about that yet and I will do whatever I can to help you be happy…” would’ve done wonders for my mood. That is pretty much all he would have ever had to say this last few months. That and “You are the most gorgeous girl that has ever existed. Ever.” We don’t care that they are lies, we care that you are trying to make us feel better.
It’s hard to know where I am going to fit into his life when I feel like I have no place in it now. Bless his heart, he has tried. But sometimes things just suck, and this is one of those things. I never get the chance to say everything I want to say by the time we talk at night and we are both tired. I never get the attention that I want because the attention that I want would require me to be with him. So I’ve been saying I have a boyfriend for the past few months but I feel pretty alone. The thing about long distance is that you have none of the positive face to face interactions. When I am sad he can’t just hug me, so instead there are some words that are nice, but not the same as a hug. Hugs can fix so much.
I don’t really like the girl that I am right now. I hope I can get back to myself soon, because I am tired of being this nervous, emotional wreck. I want to find that free-spirited girl that was ready to take on the world.
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