Jealousy. Boo. We all hate it, yeah? No one likes to feel jealous and no one likes to have a jealous significant other. Regrettably, I have been given the jealousy gene. I believe that too. I believe it is just in some people, like a mean little twin that never developed and is now only a bump in your back with teeth and everything. Of course, jealousy is a byproduct of insecurity, but I think it can also be caused by a crazy vivid imagination, not unlike my own. I have a real talent for imagining the worst possible scenarios. I should probably write horror movies or really sad, depressing indie films. I have always had this dark imagination gnawing at me, and not just with boys, with everything. That is how I managed to stay out of trouble as a kid and teen. I would think of the worst possible consequences and was sure that they would happen to me if I tested it.
Unfortunately, jealousy can kill a relationship. I’ve been the girl dating the jealous guy and it was absolutely unbearable. He would go through my phone and look over my shoulder when I was online; I could actually see him tense up every time I got a text message and I know he was dying for me to tell him who it was from. So I didn’t. The worst part about his jealousy is that it made me feel like I had no reason to be trustworthy since he was always questioning me and believing I was up to something anyway. Unsurprisingly, that relationship died, and even today when I think about the possibility of reconciliation I get that tight feeling in my stomach that tells me I would rather have some freedom.
After being on the receiving end of the jealousy monster I made a commitment to myself to do my best to control my own jealous tendencies. I actually did this pretty well when I dated a guy who had a ton of girl friends. It is unreasonable to be upset about girl friends when I have a lot of guy friends myself. Plus I figure if they wanted to date those girls they had plenty of chances before I came along.
Rational, right? But I am a girl and I am not always rational.
So, when faced with a new boy that I like, who happens to have a lot of girl friends and also happens to live thousands of miles away, I got a little jealous. And I feel really, really stupid.
The thing is that the boy expected me to be jealous. When I asked about the girl who is his best friend, he tried to avoid my questions and started talking about his best boy friend. Lovely. But I want to know about the chick. I want to know who this woman is who is hanging out with this amazing guy and not trying to bang his brains out. I think he is so great, so why wouldn’t this girl see the same thing? Also, she gets him and I don’t. She gets to see him after work and have dinner and I get him on Facebook. It sucks but its how it is and that’s okay right now. The point is that when I asked him about her he avoided answering because he knew I was getting jealous. I get that, I do. But give me a chance, man! I am sure he was irritated and he asked me why I was asking and I got irritated that he was irritated. Here’s what could have happened. I ask and he tells and I feel better. Easy breezy. And boys think we are the complicated ones.
Side note: Sometimes guys have these expectations of how we will react because of girls they dated before or situations they have already been in. Understandable, but then they expect us to react a certain way or get mad at things that the other girls did, we don’t really get a chance to explain ourselves or maybe we weren’t even mad in the first place and they just thought we would be. This causes way too many miscommunications and misunderstandings.
I know when I am being jealous. I am so completely aware of it from the tingling in my shoulders and the steam coming out my ears. I know I am being dumb and that you aren’t going to like it, so I bite my tongue as much as I can. However, there are times I could just use a little reassurance. I don’t need to be coddled and I don’t want to control your life, but would it hurt to give a little boost of confidence every now and then when you can tell I am itching for it? Jesus, girls do that all the time for men, it’s almost a constant task.
I really hate to think that my jealousy is caused by insecurity but when you get down to the root of it it’s pretty hard to deny. I guess I can also be blamed for putting past issues on new relationships too. I have met some real losers who would cheat and scheme their asses off, and I would trust all the words they said to me mostly because I wanted to. Lying is easy when the other person wants to believe you. It would make sense that my suspicions are raised as I look for any red flags or signs that I should run, something I have previously failed at doing. But I realize this isn’t fair to the guy; I shouldn’t believe that he will treat me bad just because that has been my experience with most of the rest.
This plagues me and I think about it a lot, about how to find a balance between letting love happen while still protecting myself and being smart. But is falling in love ever really smart? Is it ever really sensible to open up to a stranger and let them see all these sides of you and all your darkest, secret parts of yourself? But if we don’t do that, if we don’t take chances then we may miss out on an extraordinary partnership and an opportunity to experience emotions and fulfillment unique to being in love. There are times that I think I am done putting my heart on the line, that the fallout isn’t worth it, that maybe I will just be a nun. But I want to be married someday, as much as I have tried convincing myself I don’t want to, I really, really do. I want to be someone’s wife, I want to love someone and support an amazing man with all my heart. I want to build a home and a life with someone who will be my best friend and my lover.
It seems like a big joke at times, men and women. How are these two opposite creatures supposed to form a solid union? I think God might be up there getting a good laugh at us. But if I am ever going to figure this joke out I am going to need to let go of my jealousy, let go of my distrust, and start ignoring my scars.
This is a kind of interesting read if you feel so inclined…
No comments:
Post a Comment