DealBreakers

I used to tell people that I had a list of five things that would make me run away from a guy like he had leprosy.  It was my little list of “DealBreakers” that I felt could tell me a lot about someone and warned me that getting all cute and cuddly with him would be a very bad idea.  More recently however, I guess I have realized that having five things that would absolutely keep me from getting into a relationship with a guy was just ridiculous, and after some years and experience in dating, I realized that I am going to need a hell of a lot more things on that list.

The following is a compilation of my own personal DealBreakers and those of my girlfriends. Ladies, please use these tidbits as warnings.  Do not make the same mistakes we have; someone should really benefit from the shit we have been through.  Gentlemen (and I use that term loosely), if you find yourself reading these things and saying “Hey! This cool guy sounds just like me!”, then no need to apply.  Don’t call us.  We’ll, uh, call you.

Let’s take it old school and start with my original five DealBreakers:

GUYS WITH TRIBAL TATTOOS

Okay, so maybe I am shallow but I really prefer to not be a douche by association.  I broke this rule once, hoping he would keep his shirt on in public, and gave him the benefit of doubt that it was a mistake made by a naïve eighteen year old.  Nope, he really was an idiot.  Let’s be a little more clever and a little less Ed Hardy with our body art, shall we?

MILITARY MEN

Make no mistake; I have extreme appreciation for the men and women in our military.  However, I am not cut out to be a military girlfriend, to deal with the long absences, to be supportive of wars that I do not agree with, or to hobnob with the other military wives.  Plus, the haircuts are ugly.

GUYS WHO HAVE MOTORCYCLES

This pertains mostly to the plastic looking bright colored ones, because those are a little lame, and also if it is your only mode of transportation.  I can handle a weekend Harley hobby.  But in general, I do not want to always drive you around or pick you up for our dates.  More importantly, I do not want to go to your funeral. If you want to save gas money then get a Honda.

SMOKERS

I think it is pathetic to have an addiction of any kind.  Also, I know deep down you feel a little cool when you smoke.  But you are not James Dean.  And you stink.   Plus, you are killing yourself.  And paying for it.

REPUBLICANS

I am just way too opinionated and liberal to deal with you.  I much prefer a man who does not care about politics because I would rather not discuss it.  I just want to tell you who to vote for when the time comes. 


And now for some recent revelations…(these are the real gems)

GUYS WHO DO NOT HAVE SHEETS ON THEIR BED

Trust me, I have learned this the hard way, and after months of hiding this embarrassing little fact from my friends I was appalled to learn that this is an atrocity that happens far too often.  Guys…invest in some sheets, you will use them everyday and you will be making a very important step from trashy to classy.

GUYS WHO DO NOT COME TO YOUR DOOR WHEN THEY PICK YOU UP

First of all, this is a new DealBreaker.  When I was a little younger, I would have easily let this one slide…mostly because my roommates (i.e. my parents) probably did not deserve to see all the winners I had been so good at attracting.  And by winners, I mean losers, thus this list.  But now, be a man, and come to my door.

GUYS WHO DO NOT WALK YOU OUT TO YOUR CAR

It is just rude.  I drove my ass over; you can walk my ass out.  I am a girl and as much as you cannot relate, you should be aware that walking to a car in the dark puts us in a very real and scary situation sometimes.  Haven’t you ever seen a scary movie?

GUYS WHO DO NOT KNOW YOUR LAST NAME AFTER TWO WEEKS

This usually means that they are quite self absorbed and probably think they are so interesting that they can just talk about themselves and never ask you any questions.  Now, my last name is kind of hard, so if you are cute I will give you three weeks and I will not even quiz you on the spelling.

GUYS WHO ARE “FRIENDS” WITH OR FANS OF ADULT FILM STARS ON SOCIAL NETWORKS

Pathetic. Enough said.

PILL POPPERS

Several reasons here.  First of all, hugs not drugs.  Secondly, I do not really like it when you consistently nod off in the movie theater and your head falls on my shoulder.  Cute if you are sober and cuddly, not so cute if you are legitimately passed out.  And last of all, you do not need any help being even more stupid than you already naturally are.

DRUG DEALERS

Perhaps I should reiterate that these DealBreakers were born from direct experience.  Sad but true, these things have actually happened to my friends and me.  If a guy has to cancel your first date because he left town to trim weed…that is a DealBreaker.  If you are at a bar with a guy and he blurts out “I’m a drug dealer, I hope that’s okay.”…that is a DealBreaker.  If on your first date, the guy asks you to stop at his “friend’s” house because he forgot something there, then asks you to stop at another “friend’s” house to drop something off, and then suddenly has a lot of cash…that is also DealBreaker.

GUYS WITH BABY MAMAS

Who really wants baby mama drama?  That comes with child support, an ex girlfriend that never goes away, oh and a kid.  Blegh. No thank you. 

NEGATIVE NANCYS

Guys who are always bitching are bitches.  I am not your mom and I am not here to make everything better, stop complaining, make yourself happy and just have fun, damn it.

HUNTERS

I will not date a hunter.  It makes me sad and there is nothing you can say that will justify it to me.  Maybe you should try to find another way to convince yourself that you are a man besides killing cute, innocent animals like a f**king caveman.

GUYS WHO CHEW TOBACCO

F**king foul.  You look dumb with that lump in your lip, spitting into your Coors Light can, romping through the mud in your Chevy truck listening to George Gay (get it?).

GUYS WHO TAKE LONGER THAN I DO TO GET READY

And I do not take long, so you need to seriously limit your primping routine.  This category usually also applies to my next category.

DOUCHEBAGS/BROS

I hate your two sizes too small Affliction shirt, and your stupid cubic zirconium earrings, your fake tan, and the grunting and hollering sounds you make when you are watching cage fighting with your "brosephs".  I also hate that shiny watch you wear, that chain around your fat ‘roid neck, and when you won’t shut up about your great workout with your personal trainer.  You guys make my skin crawl and your axe spray is doing serious damage to my sinuses.